


because of you, i am afraid

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Polyamory, alex is so tiny and small someone protect him, androphobia, eliza is so pure and sweet, john is mean but he has good intentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:44:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9190172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander was startled by the sudden touch, dropping the knife on the kitchen counter and wiggling out of John’s grasp. He yanked his earbuds from his ears, taking a deep breath as he saw John standing there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i am Alive™ THANK GOD

Alex hadn’t gotten any sleep, as usual. He exited his study around 7 AM, hoping he could make some breakfast for John and Eliza before they woke up. He put his earbuds in his ear, starting to blast the RENT soundtrack. He grabbed a loaf of bread, taking out three slices and popping them into the toaster. Starting to dance to the music, he twirled on his feet as he opened the fridge, grabbing some strawberries and bananas to make a smoothie. He turned to the cutting board, grabbing a knife and starting to chop up the bananas. Due to the loud music, he didn’t hear the sounds of John’s footsteps as he walked downstairs. John grinned as he saw Alex and quickly approached him, wrapping his arms around his waist from behind. Alexander was startled by the sudden touch, dropping the knife on the kitchen counter and wiggling out of John’s grasp. He yanked his earbuds from his ears, taking a deep breath as he saw John standing there.

 

“You okay, babe?” John asked, raising an eyebrow and grabbing a strawberry from the counter, taking a bite of it. Alex nodded, his eyes still wide.

 

“Yeah, you just startled me,” Alex explained quickly, turning back to the cutting board. “Didn’t hear you coming.”

 

John nodded, smiling at Alex and sitting up on the counter. “What’re you makin’?” he asked, swinging his legs back and forth.

 

“A smoothie,” Alex replied blankly, dumping the chopped bananas and strawberries into the blender. 

 

“You sound tired,” John pointed out, crossing his arms. “Did you get any sleep last night?” Alex hesitated before shaking his head and avoiding John’s gaze. John sighed audibly in disappointment, staring down at Alex. “Alexander, love, we talked about this,” he replied, hopping down from the counter. Alex flinched away from John a bit. 

 

“Sorry, I was writing…” he said, staring down at the floor. John placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder, sighing again.

 

“I know. Alex, you really need to start sleeping more. I’m not mad at you, though,” John said, gently rubbing Alex’s back. Alexander nodded and turned back to the blender, ignoring John’s words. He put ice and orange juice in the blender, pushing the lid onto it and pressing the button. He pursed his lips together, feeling like he had disappointed John. He never listened, and John must hate him for it. He didn’t do anything right, and that was the same reason his father....

 

Alexander quickly shook his head, dismissing the thought. John would never do that to him. He grabbed three glasses from the cabinet, having to stand on his tiptoes to reach. With his hands full, one of the glasses slipped from his hand. In an attempt to catch one, the other two tumbled to the floor as well. All three flashes shattered on impact, causing John's head to shoot up.

 

“Alex, what the fuck?” he said, his tone edged with annoyance. Alexander let out a choked noise, not knowing how to reply. He simply knelt to the ground, starting to pick up the shards of glass. They pricked his fingers, but he didn't care. He just didn't want John to be upset with him.

 

“Alexander, stop.” John's voice was firm, and Alex immediately dropped the glass, refusing to look into John’s eyes.

 

“Stand up. Look at me.” Alexander quickly did as John said, looking at him with terrified eyes.

 

“Baby, what's going on? Why are you acting like this?” John questioned, already opening the nearby closet and grabbing a broom and dustpan. Alex quickly stretched out his hands, expecting John to hand him the broom. Instead, John shook his head and starting sweeping the glass into one pile.

 

“Alex, you can talk to me about it,” John said, his tone softening a little. That was all that Alexander needed to hear.

 

“Didn't want to make you mad--I can clean if you...if you want. I'm sorry,” Alex explained quickly, pursing his lips. John sighed in reply, continuing to sweep the floor.

 

“I'll clean it, it's fine, really,” John answered, shaking his head. Despite his thoughts of protest, Alex decided it was best to listen to John. He scurried out of the room, sitting down on the couch in their living room. He crossed his legs, absentmindedly chewing on the end of his sleeve. He knew Eliza hated it when he did that to his clothes, but it helped him calm down a bit. He rocked back and forth on the couch slightly, trying to ground himself. He could hear the sounds of John's angry mumbles as he cleaned, and that's what caused him to drop.

_He was a child again. Only eight years old. His father had returned home from work in a drunken rage, but Alexander was used to it. His mother was in the living room, trying to calm down his father. Alexander was alone in the kitchen, scrubbing away at the dishes. He was singing an old French lullaby to himself, one that his mother taught him. He could hear his parents shouting in the room, but Alex didn't really care. At least, until he heard the distinct sound of a slap, and his mother’s voice silenced. He closed his eyes as he heard booming footsteps, indicating that his father was approaching. He clenched the wet rag in his hand, scrubbing the plate with more effort as he approached. His father was now looming behind him, which Alexander was barely aware of. He could smell the alcohol on his breath, could hear his heavy breathing. There was a sudden jolt, and Alex felt himself being pulled back into his father’s arms. The plate immediately fell from his hands, crashing onto the floor and breaking into pieces. His father scowled, shoving Alex to the floor. He stretched his hands out to break his fall, wincing as pieces of broken glass dug into his palms. He turned to face his father, noticing now that his mother was standing next to him, holding a hand over her bruised cheek. She looked fragile, and Alexander couldn't bare seeing her like that. His father scowled, kicking Alexander's side and sighing._

_“Start cleaning, bitch. You aren't good for anything else.” Alexander was fully aware of the tears now streaming down his face. He stayed completely still, not fully aware of what his father said._

_“Alexander!_ Alex! Are you listening to anything I say?”

 

Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Alexander was back to where he was before. Sitting down on the couch, the sleeve of his sweater still resting between his teeth. John was standing in front of him, shouting something about breakfast being ready. Before he could think it over, Alexander was pushing past John, bolting up the stairs. He slammed open their bedroom door, causing a sleeping Eliza to jolt awake and nearly fall off of the bed. Alexander shut the door, locking it behind him. He pressed his back against the door and slid to the ground, his breaths shaky. Eliza was sitting up in bed, her hair flipped every which way. It took her a moment to untangle herself from the blankets, but she quickly made her way over to Alex, picking him up easily. Alexander tensed up at first, but quickly relaxed into the touch. Eliza wouldn't hurt him. She was a girl, and girls were gentle. His mother was always gentle with him; never hit him, never yelled. 

 

Cradled in Eliza’s arms, it was only mere moments before Alexander broke down into heavy sobs. Eliza shushed him, laying him down in their bed, pulling the blanket over him. Alexander immediately made a noise of protest, shoving the blanket away. It smelled too much like John, too masculine. Eliza sighed worriedly, climbing into the bed and wrapping her arms around Alex. The boy melted into the embrace, burying his head in Eliza’s chest and inhaling heavily. She smelled like flowers and raspberries, it was the perfume she always wore. Eliza began running her fingers through his hair, something she learned that would calm Alex down easily.

 

“How are you feeling, baby?” She asked in a whisper, her touches soft and light. Everything about her was calm and collected, compared to John’s brash actions and words. Eliza was small, where John was big. She was everything Alex needed right now. A kind smile, one that made his chest heat up with happiness.

 

“Scared,” Alex admitted, squeezing his eyes shut. Eliza hummed in understanding, propping herself up against the headboard. She was nearly holding Alexander like a baby, but Alex didn't mind it much. 

 

“Why are you scared, beautiful?” she asked, causing Alex to smile at the nickname. She usually wasn't this sappy, but knew it helped a great deal in calming down her boyfriend.

 

“John’s...big. Gonna hurt me,” Alexander replied in a small voice. Eliza’s breath hitched at the word ‘hurt’, feeling anger boil up inside of her. Noticing Eliza’s tenseness, Alexander shook his head vigorously, shutting his eyes tighter.

 

“No, no. Not gonna hurt. He...I...my father,” he rephrased in broken sentences, his bottom lip quivering. Eliza’s expression softened a bit, knowing well about Alexander's past. John had no idea of how Alex’s father treated him. Only Eliza knew. After all, they had been dating for four years, and John had only been in their lives for two. While Eliza wanted Alex to be honest with John, she knew he had to take his time.

 

“Of course, love. Boys are scary, huh?” she asked softly, ruffling his hair. Alexander nodded, cracking one eye open to study Eliza’s expression. He was surprised to see one of total understanding, instead of pity or sarcasm. 

 

“Do you want to talk to him? He's probably worried,” Eliza questioned. Alexander shrugged, biting his nails. Eliza shook her head, pulling his hand away. 

 

“Don't do that, little one,” she advised softly, and Alexander obeyed without protest. 

“I'm gonna text John and tell him to come upstairs, okay?” she asked, looking down at Alex for approval. He whined unsurely, and Eliza moved her hand down to rub small circles into his back. 

 

“He's not gonna hurt you, dear. If he tries, I'll kick his ass.” Alexander let out a little giggle, nodding and relaxing a bit. Eliza reached over to the nightstand, grabbing her phone. She shot a quick text to John, vaguely explaining the situation. A few moments later, John was knocking on the door. Eliza gently lifted Alex off of her, and he sat up against the headboard, looking down at his hands. Eliza unlocked the door, and John slowly entered. He crawled into the bed, keeping a bit of distance between Alex. When Eliza sat down on the other side of the bed, Alexander practically threw himself into her arms, and John felt a pang of jealousy. Apparently his discomfort was recognized, and Eliza simply gave him a gaze that told him to wait for an explanation. Eliza murmured a few words to Alex, and John caught a few. “Father, John, tell.” Alexander reluctantly pulled himself out of Eliza’s arms, moving a little closer to John. He took John’s hand in his, making eye contact with the taller boy.

 

“I’m sorry for...acting strange earlier. I...when I was a child, my dad was--he wasn't the nicest person,” Alex explained in breathy sentence, showing John his palms. There were small lines of skin that were lighter than the rest of his hands, and the skin was slightly rippled. Scars from the broken plate. They were barely noticeable now, unless you looked closely. John felt his breath hitch, immediately pulling Alex into a hug.

 

“I'm so sorry, Alex. I should've noticed you were uncomfortable, I shouldn't have raised my voice,” John said quickly, his brain stumbling over thousands of apologies. 

 

“N-no, it's okay. You didn't know, that's why I came to Eliza,” Alex replied, and John only held him tighter, gently rocking him back and forth.

 

“I would never hurt you, baby boy. But if I ever scare you, it's okay to go to Eliza. She'll calm you down,” John said, and Eliza took that opportunity to join their embrace, Alexander’s breaths starting to finally even out. 

 

All three of them knew this would be a struggle, but as long as they got through this together, everything would turn out alright.

**Author's Note:**

> I thrive on comments ,,,, p l e a s e give me some


End file.
